novemblues

xenogears and radiohead. yeah, it's a late 90s sort of morning, with the obvious anachronistic bits scattered about to drag me back to reality (xenogears on an emulator played with an xbox controller, in rainbows material)... i feel like i've gotten to know somebody better, in their absence. it's unhealthy, because i no longer have any business knowing them so well. still, it helps frame my own past, to put some things better into perspective. these two things effected my life a surprising amount back around the (sigh) "turn of the millenium". would we have laughed together about that, then held hands as we realized we were really growing old together? whatever the answer, i shouldn't care. i shouldn't! but thom is singing,


I'll drown my beliefs
To have your babies
I'll dress like your niece
And wash your swollen feet
Just don't leave
Don't leave
I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile
Just don't leave
Don't leave
And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps
Just don't leave
Don't leave
Just don't leave
Don't leave,

while fei insists,

In those dreams,
I loved one woman...
No matter the day,
no matter the era...
That did not change...
Nor did her name...

perhaps i'm doomed. perhaps this is what i came here to learn, of unrequited love with no obvious shelf life, of spiraling outward with a clear view of the only one i'd drag along, just out of reach, just beyond hearing. you know, you wouldn't think so, but i really do go out and live, when i can. she submerges, beneath the waves of my subconscious, and arm in arm i can step out into the night with brothers and sisters and would-be lovers, and my smiles feel genuine, and the laughs aren't forced - though, that's probably the liquor laughing.

but when, eventually, relentlessly, these quiet moments arrive, and momentum ceases, and i stop to look through the window, there is always a chill - a queer chill, cheek against the glass, wind seeking passage along unprotected spine. it is not unwelcome; it can only remind me of tenderness, of cold fingers seeking warmth, of snow reflected in wide eyes.

i am proud of the life i have built in your absence, and i am aware that i should have long ago stopped wishing that things could have happened differently. but there is an honesty within me that will not be denied, and i miss you.



oh, excuse me. for a minute there, i lost myself, i lost myself...

dusty muses

fall has arrived!
and as i raise myself up
to greet the brightest
kaleidoscope of days
this worn-down city
can muster,
i coax blood
back into timid joints.

for i must scurry about
this worried mess,
this monument to absence,
in search of history -
yeah, in search of that
aging, neglected motivation;
by god,
i know she's here somewhere,
lovely muse,
lonely muse,
a girl all covered in dust...

soon, it is the pens creaking to life,
the gears greased with promises of
whatever it is that gears desire.
i hover somewhere
between the living and dead
and open my heart
(though not as wide as my eyes)
to attempt once more
to retain something
from the ghosts
who float
here.

method for living

deep within a late-night lullabye, your crybaby rampage unveils ramparts left stagnant in the dust. in the key of ill, forgotten tripwire alarms spit chaos into the silence of the night. why can't we all just be left alone? why can't we all know the loving embrace of another? beneath the trapdoor is defeat, the trigger is doubt, and the bypass is a carefully guarded secret home within our hearts. lay deep into silence, and prepare to be the champion of the dawn - because no day deserves to be treated like any other day.

perfect ten

oh god she was a perfect ten
she took me home
but not to be her friend
that's one night i'm sure
will never ever end

i was somewhere i'd never been
drinking something bitter and brown
when she was suddenly there
asking for the time -
i told her i had a few hours to spare,
she said i was sweet
then played me out the door
with a well-practiced melody,
so effortless and subtle
i would have sworn
it was i who sang

oh god she was a perfect ten
she took me home
but not to be her friend
that's one night i'm sure
will never ever end

the clouds that evening
hung low grey and bright
all around her head
the stars took up
residence in her eyes
and their glare stole my sight
but not before i saw her home
above an old church
with "KARMA" etched above the door
in place of a cross
blind as i was,
she took my hand
and led me along

oh god she was a perfect ten
she took me home
but not to be her friend
that's one night i'm sure
will never ever end

it was not yet dawn
when her sheets were stained
and it was soon after that
when i never knew her name
i never had a chance
like the dozens that came before
but don't get me wrong
she's anything but a whore
she sucked out my life
with our hair all awry
and dragged me out back
for the rodents to find

oh god she was a perfect ten
she took me home
but not to be her friend
she found worth in my heart
and i supplied for her demand
i left a mess when i left
and we made no amends
oh god this night
will never end

no metaphorical heartbreak here
just blood on the linens
and alleyway scavengers
shuffling home
with bellies full

everything matters

oh mother,
i've been away in the world
so long, so long -
what has become of your son?
no more a child to feed,
just a distant wandering worry.
everything matters.

oh father,
i've been fighting the war
so long, so long -
what has become of your son?
no more scraped knees,
just bloodstained shirt cuffs.
everything matters.

oh brother,
we've chosen these separate paths
so long, so long -
what has become of our home?
no more bunk beds,
just miles of lone silence.
everything matters.

oh lover,
i'll remember one night
so long, so long -
what has become of your heart?
no more soft landings,
just gravity and a beautiful view.
everything matters.

it's hard to remember
we will be remembered,
or at least i will remember you.

everything matters.

admissions

you know what i hate? what i *really* hate? when somebody is really wrong about something, and you call them out on it, and they refuse to A) realize that they were wrong, B) admit their mistake, C) listen to constructive criticism about said mistake, and D) learn a single goddamned thing from the experience. no, please, practice being a stubborn bullheaded fuck. it's made you a lot of friends so far.

unfortunately these are the people who will probably grow to be much more successful than i could ever be.

aside

(1:49am, wed27jun)

i'm stepping back.
the sunlight hurts my eyes.
i'm headed for the trees.
come see me when you like.

in the mornings,
the fog makes
this place eternal.
i am a child and an old man;
scars healed, fresh,
open, and not yet there.
you've long since forgiven me,
and i've still never hurt you.

when you call me,
i'll be here.
i know you won't.
but you
might.

i never knew
that i could feel
so far from home,
so near my bed,
under the same moon
we all share.
a numbness creeps in;
shades of grey
sweep through our lives,
lead us away.

i'm stepping back.
tomorrow's a new day
to sleep through.
but i'll rise for a minute,
in the morning,
for the moment when
three words
can still always
make you
smile.

(2:01am)