10.29.2011

charlatan

i got a new job. a second job, really; in the winter, a guy like me needs to have two part-time jobs, because when the tourists leave town and the snow rolls in, business drops and hours evaporate. this one is different, though; i'm not serving tourists. suddenly, i'm working directly for the upper class.

charlie trotter was a chef, and he started a restaurant in chicago twenty five years ago which got pretty famous. about six years ago, he opened a fine dining take-out and catering store just around the corner. i sent them my resume off a craigslist ad, they had me come in for an interview, then come back for a few hours of on-the-job work - a stint they have a word for which sounds an awful lot like "stoogin'," which is what sticks in my head and makes me giggle. they had me make what amounted to a potato lasagna, and it turned out looking pretty good. good enough for them to hire me.

by midway through day one, it had become apparent to me (if no one else), that they may have made a mistake. perhaps my resume wasn't examined closely enough - maybe they missed that i never went to cooking school, or that the restaurant i work at is on navy pier. by day three, i was in full-on panic mode; little seizing moments of terror in the midst of things that had me thinking run, run... before someone turns a corner and finds you out, realizes you barely have a handle on what's going on around you, discovers you in the middle of cleaning up some coincidental mishap or another and throws you out on the street. having trotter's on the resume could be a huge deal; what if it worked the other way around? what if they called around, told them how much i suck, polaroid of me next to a giant batch of soup, pile of salt sitting on top, salt shaker still held out, extended, open-ended, screw-off top clearly visible just beneath the hill of salt... "DO NOT HIRE" written beneath in sharpie...

i'm getting better, though. serving rich people is easy - for one thing, there's a hell of a lot fewer of them. a busy day there consists of maybe 30, 40 purchases all day. usually it's more like twenty. it's hard to adjust to not making food to order, though; there are a few things i've had to make consistently, but i have a lot of freedom to make what i want. it's almost a crippling amount of freedom, actually; the first time someone looked at me and said, "okay, go back in the cooler, look around, and figure out a cold salad to make," i was a bit intimidated. but i've started nosing out recipes here and there, and i've had a decent set of people around me to help me out in the right directions.

i'm running out of talkin-steam. point being, i'm aware of a rather large vacuum of confidence inside me as i walk in each day, which fades a bit more with each passing hour. if i keep up this act long enough, keep pretending like i know exactly what i'm doing, i might get away with it - wind up with an awesome job, all because i'm awesome.

10.20.2011

hurricanes

i think i once told you what i believed, but we both forgot, so, no harm no foul.

there have been some hurricanes in town tonight. one of them was named mike. the other i might name ralph. or, fuck.

10.09.2011

tunnels

i was walking the dog through the woods, trusting him without the leash, vaguely exploring the area surrounding a town i thought my true love might be from. i expected to find her there, for sure, not knowing her name or anything seemed trivial.

we came across a series of peculiar foundations stacked atop one another like a pyramid, seven- or eight-foot-tall concrete walls filled in with dirt, overgrown with kudzu. jasper sniffed around the outskirts while i climbed up, found that there really was no visibility added from the height i reached, then began climbing down. when i reached the bottom i found him frantically sniffing about a particular piece of the wall, and when i approached i realized there was a wooden door, barely visible behind the vines. after a few moments of tearing the plantlife away, the old rotting wood swung aside on hinges that could've been oiled earlier that morning, if not replaced altogether.

there were stairs leading down, and as i entered i realized jasper was following along obediently, not leading the way in a frantic snuffling rush as would normally be the case. below, we found it well-lit despite the cracked cement and the occasional centimeter-deep puddles of water slowly being fed by groundwater seeping through the walls. it looked like any other empty basement, except for the tunnel leading out one side of it. we followed it for a long while, eventually coming to another wide-open room, with stairs leading up and other tunnels stretching off in other directions, though this one was clearly inhabited - like any good party basement, there was a bar, a pool table, a few couches, freezer, and a wide-screen television with two very stoned guys playing video games. "hello?" i said.

"hey!" came the response, in an expectant tone with only a touch of the shock i expected. "you're early!" one of them raised a hand and jabbed a thumb towards the bar. "grab a beer, man! snacks and music upstairs, pizza should be here in an hour."

"uh, thanks!" i said, then retrieved a beer. it was unlabelled, dark, and surprisingly delicious. the dog had finished his inspection of the room and climbed the stairs, where he patiently waited for me to come up and open the door for him. i obliged. above was a fairly standard house, with all the promised amenities.

not wanting to linger and have to potentially answer questions that would reveal me as an uninvited explorer, i allowed myself a handful of chips and searched for the front door. when i opened it, i found a group of seven or eight laughing twenty-somethings on the other side, who immediately poured inside without so much as a glance in my direction. the last one through pulled the door closed behind them as they all split up, taking up well-rehearsed positions around the kitchen or just disappearing back downstairs. i heard someone say they were glad these parties had restarted, and somewhere else i gathered that all the houses in town were connected by the tunnels i'd traveled through; why, then, anyone would come through the front door, mystified me.

jasper rejoined me, looking about as confused as i was (though plenty happy to be around new people), and after scratching him behind the ears a minute, i reopened the door. more people poured in. this happened four or five more times, before finally i decided against leaving out the front door at all. i wandered downstairs, where i replaced my empty beer for a full one, and had about decided which direction to leave in when i realized jasper hadn't followed me into the basement.

back upstairs, i found him laying happily on the corner of a couch, surrounded by already-buzzed people loudly cooing and petting him. he looked too happy to move, so i found a bathroom, took care of my business, and returned to find their attention spans depleted, a lone grinning puppy still panting on the couch. i sat down next to him, paying only moderate attention to the still-growing party crowd. i didn't particularly want to be there, though by now i was anonymously concealed by the sheer number of people present. i glanced out the window at the nighttime sky, dominated by a full, beautiful view of the planet earth. i tried to ask someone why exactly we could see earth in the sky, and the only response i could get was, "yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it?"

minutes passed, or days, or hours, and as things began to wind down a bit, a girl came and sat down next to me, dropping into the cushions so heavily that it woke up my napping puppy for just a moment. she looked at me, prismatic eyes glowing beneath a light wave of dirty blonde hair, then began sliding down in her seat until her feet were comfortably stretched out across the coffee table. her eyelids fluttered closed, and her breathing changed pace, and i found myself inexplicably knowing that it had been days since she'd slept. maybe a week. i began considering leaving again, but just then her arms came up, wrapped around my neck and shoulders, and pulled me down to her, eyes still closed. she turned a bit, as i had to, to effectively curl up with me, and i obliged by holding her just as closely, feeling the same unyielding sleep begin to creep up on me. perhaps it had been a week since i had slept, as well. her breath was warm, and her leg soon draped itself over mine.

i am not sure when we started kissing, but i felt i had found what i'd been looking for, and drew over me a comfort i had not felt for years. it covered us both like a blanket, and we were soon asleep.

i awoke at home, alone except for jasper sleeping at my side. when he noticed i was awake, he slapped at my hand with a paw, as if to say, thanks for the adventure. now i need to go pee.

10.07.2011

considerations

my dreams have been getting strange. well, they've always been strange. but memorably so. last night, i brought back two main images. one was of our car getting stuck on a tiny island a few dozen yards from shore, hood propped up, occasionally obscured by fog and night but otherwise visible, just out of reach. i considered finding someone with a boat, or raft; i considered waiting for the tide to go out, as surely that's how the car had gotten there in the first place, but as the days passed, the water level stayed constant. i guess i haven't spent enough of my life along shorelines to really hold tidal patterns as an inexhorable constant. the other was a strange interlude involving a woman i identified as a grandmother, some drunken friends, and a strange, very loud engine we'd built.

i regret bailing the way i did yesterday, but sometimes these things just need to be done.

sometimes there just isn't enough silence to fill the day.

10.01.2011

professional

oh you would love to devour this
this flame i hold
this light i bear
it keeps me warm
it holds me here
this is no place to call home
at least not of my own

i am not powerful
but i see what i lack
i do not know the way
stuck in a cul de sac
i will not tell you lies
though i never know the truth
i would not strike you down
but when it burns i'll soothe

i missed the final bell
and then they locked me in
i have nothing left but time
and that is getting slim
do not think i am an answer
when your questions lead you here
for if i've learned one thing since i've been lost
it's that even the incapable can thrive
if only they take the wheel
and steer