magic is hard

i rose early
to be the one to spark the flame
to guide you in
to brighten your future
i rose early
to shake free dust in the sunrise
to create a cloud
to mark my passing forever

as the morning creeps across my walk
i double check my rings
meant to open the seals ahead
then in empty halls alive with wind
i trace anew my glyphs
meant to keep all stomachs fed

someone had to cast the spell
to make your evening soothing
someone had to speak the words
to get your fingers moving
someone had to cast the spell
to keep away the panic
it's not easy being a wizard
when no one believes in magic

hold

the fabric grows thin
day emulsified with dreams
sherbet melting slowly
but nineties kids smile
so quickly it seems
while a toe in the eighties
broke the rest of our hearts
with a fervor i've long forgotten

hold the line, dear lovers,
i swear the day will break

novemblues

xenogears and radiohead. yeah, it's a late 90s sort of morning, with the obvious anachronistic bits scattered about to drag me back to reality (xenogears on an emulator played with an xbox controller, in rainbows material)... i feel like i've gotten to know somebody better, in their absence. it's unhealthy, because i no longer have any business knowing them so well. still, it helps frame my own past, to put some things better into perspective. these two things effected my life a surprising amount back around the (sigh) "turn of the millenium". would we have laughed together about that, then held hands as we realized we were really growing old together? whatever the answer, i shouldn't care. i shouldn't! but thom is singing,


I'll drown my beliefs
To have your babies
I'll dress like your niece
And wash your swollen feet
Just don't leave
Don't leave
I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile
Just don't leave
Don't leave
And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps
Just don't leave
Don't leave
Just don't leave
Don't leave,

while fei insists,

In those dreams,
I loved one woman...
No matter the day,
no matter the era...
That did not change...
Nor did her name...

perhaps i'm doomed. perhaps this is what i came here to learn, of unrequited love with no obvious shelf life, of spiraling outward with a clear view of the only one i'd drag along, just out of reach, just beyond hearing. you know, you wouldn't think so, but i really do go out and live, when i can. she submerges, beneath the waves of my subconscious, and arm in arm i can step out into the night with brothers and sisters and would-be lovers, and my smiles feel genuine, and the laughs aren't forced - though, that's probably the liquor laughing.

but when, eventually, relentlessly, these quiet moments arrive, and momentum ceases, and i stop to look through the window, there is always a chill - a queer chill, cheek against the glass, wind seeking passage along unprotected spine. it is not unwelcome; it can only remind me of tenderness, of cold fingers seeking warmth, of snow reflected in wide eyes.

i am proud of the life i have built in your absence, and i am aware that i should have long ago stopped wishing that things could have happened differently. but there is an honesty within me that will not be denied, and i miss you.



oh, excuse me. for a minute there, i lost myself, i lost myself...