1. lobsters

yesterday, i started work at 7am. i don't often work the morning shifts at this job, and have never pulled the 7am card, had to work my other job starting at 4. so as i trudged out the front door at 6am, waiting for the sun to rise and the rain to lessen, i already knew it would be a long day. the drizzle had become a strong shower by the time i reached work. the walk always takes an hour, and i was well soaked by the end.

after setting up my station in the back room, the chef brought me a box. i popped off the top and was greeting by about a dozen live lobsters.

i'll spare you the details of the process - you can probably look it up on youtube if you're so inclined - but suffice it to say, i learned what color a lobster's brains are, which is something i never wanted to know. i cannot unknow this. i'll also never forget how a lobster hunches its back and crosses its claws when threatened or scared.

i'm not a squeamish person; after being shown the process, i had no trouble replicating all the tears and cracks. the chef assured me they don't feel pain, to which i offered doubt. it wasn't until i got home and relayed the story to my roommates that i realized it was my first time killing a living thing - and not just one, but a full dozen, disassembled, cleaned, and thrown in the fire still twitching. not an insect, not a mouse, but something about the size of a puppy. they were almost cute, i'd think, staring at some of the ones edging their way around the box while dumping various innards into the trash, looking at them while mentally going over the next sequence of cuts and breaks. it's moments like that when i can really cherish having the ability to disconnect from what's going on around me, and if it had happened fifteen or twenty years earlier in life i can imagine it having a pretty large impact on how i'd grown up.

it's not something i particularly want to do again. but, apparently, i can.