godspeed

this hurts.

i can see the storm rolling past to the north of us. i can even hear it, on occasion, roaring in over gy!be. here's what we've been doing this morning:



godspeed has definitely accompanied me through some low points, but f#a#oo specifically drags my memory back to late november/early december 2006, racine, laying in a room and feeling the cold outside seep in through the ill-insulated window in my bedroom, really a closet, a closet they emptied and we painted (shoddily) in an effort to make me a place to call mine. it was a deep blue, walls and ceiling. i used it exclusively to sleep, or to lie there. i think my clothes were there. for some reason i recall there being wine, cheap red wine, though i had no job and little money and this seems unlikely.

elyse had just called off the wedding. my first acid experience, and the wild charge into chicago that followed it, wouldn't happen for weeks. soon i would buy my first pack of non-clove cigarettes - a pack of winstons i would ultimately give half of away - on a solitary drive back to my parents' house in the country for christmas, a trip that ultimately felt like running home with my tail between my legs, spurned by the woman i would have (and had) thrown away everything for. school, job (two jobs, really), friends, girlfriend, family - one night, before she called it quits, i mentioned how much i was looking forward to christmases, to the two of us alternating which family we spent the holiday with, or the day when we'd be able to bring both families to us. she said she's always want to spend the holidays with her parents, and i said, okay. that's fine.

ready to give up my family. damn. that's one of those things i consider when i look back and realize that, really, we weren't ready for marriage. but i am eternally impatient; if i hadn't asked for her hand that summer, it would've been the next, or the next, or some despondent winter inbetween.

it's raining. pouring, really. the temp dropped to like 70. left the windows open, wind isn't too bad, cool air feels good.

i used to have a livejournal. it fills in some of the gaps in the earlier years, and there's some interesting photography and bits of writing mixed in there. you can see it by clicking here. much like this blog, it went mostly unread. much like this blog, that didn't stop me. granted, much of it was directed at elyse, since she was one of the only other people i knew with a livejournal, and while i've moved on from a lot of that pain i guess it's still interesting from a historical standpoint.

she messaged me a few months ago, when i should've been breaking up with the 19 year old i wasn't really dating, wasn't really in love with, certainly wasn't fucking. we traded one or two e-mails, then she said her computer was shot and i got a lot of radio silence after that. since then, there hasn't been so much a breaking-up as a general-stopping. radio silence still. perhaps i will say something this morning.

people seem to like waking up and immediately talking to/at me for long stretches. they do the same thing right after i wake up. is my purpose in life to be spoken to? sometimes it feels that way. i've played shrink to all manner of friends and coworkers throughout the years, heard too many secrets, diffused plenty of tempers, chilled all kinds of disputes and spats. i am the duct which allows you to vent.

and so on.