names

i've heard that people with similar names will share certain characteristics, or tendancies. similarities. for instance, i've never met a quinn i could stand. they irritate the shit out of me. it's nothing against anyone named quinn; they've just all got that little something extra that makes my blood boil. people named chris seem to be a little off the wall. you know how you look at someone and you hear their name and you're like, "yeah, you look like a _____"? now we're on the same page.

suppose you were born with a given name, but from an early age you went by a different one, the same different one, from then on out. suppose you developed in ways that made you look and act like the qualities of the name you went by.

what happens to the real person? the name unused, the name that should have been? it goes on developing in the background, i think, coming to the surface in fits and starts, in moments of extreme emotion, feeding ideas and notions unhindered into that back of your mind. it's not so much a split personality, where one takes over entirely while the other "goes to sleep", more of a dual personality, with a main force as well as a 'path less traveled'. everything you push away and try to forget gets fed to it, creating a sort of stunted mutant siamese twin attached to a much hungrier, healthier, and popular counterpart.

that might be going on in my head, if any of it's true. it'd explain some things. i'm trying to find ways to reconcile the two, to allow the background one to come forward in settings where he won't immediately get furious - because that's where he seems to get the most time, high-stress situations where the "face" either doesn't want to deal, or can't deal, or is just too tired and exhausted to resist.

or maybe i'm just trying to over-dramatize my own life. we all want to believe we're special, unique, like we have something totally new to offer the world, like the stupid shit going on in our lives hasn't been experienced in some way shape or form by uncountable people throughout history. there's nothing new, everything's been done, and you can put that on my tombstone, when my pair of personalities are finished running my poor weak physical body into the fucking ground. if there's an afterlife, god help it; my first words in heaven, hell, or wherever, will be: "The party just got weird, folks." i will try to deliver, because while there is nothing new, there are always new ways to put together old things.

but at least i have perhaps put a name to my muse.

<3